chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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