My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
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He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
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It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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