This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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