Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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