Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
