Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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