Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
