I have demons in me.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
