If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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