i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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