i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Bring me that man meat
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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