Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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