Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
