I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
