Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
