We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
