His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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