I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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