I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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