I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
