Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
