Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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