I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
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By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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