i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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