the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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