Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just pee around me
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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