my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
