i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
