I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
