Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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