I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
