can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
