While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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