it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
