You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
