no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
