all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
