haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
