i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
