Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
