i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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