My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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