i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
