Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
