Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
