now i know why i became what i already was.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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