my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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