from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
