Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
