I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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