I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Drunk is a universal language darling
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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