Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
